Neurodivergent Adult's Unnamed Newsletter Issue 4, March 4 2024

Hello and welcome to Issue 4 of the still unnamed newsletter! This week we’re diving into the neurodivergent love languages, autism charities, and the story of how I discovered I have ADHD. I hope you enjoy it, if you do, please consider supporting the newsletter on Patreon for just $1 a month.

Which Autism Organizations to Support in the US

In the United States there is an unfortunate situation where the best known Autism charity is one that has a long history of doing some truly awful things to Autistic people. In case you aren’t familiar with them they are called Autism Speaks. I don’t want to detail all the awful things that they have done, but if you’d like a brief overview I recommend this article from Autistic Mama.

More often than not when a celebrity is holding a charity event for Autism…it’s Autism Speaks. They don’t seem to know that #ActuallyAutistic people HATE Autism Speaks for everything that they have done in the past, what they continue to do, and what they stand for. Autism Speaks was created by Autism Mommies who seek to cure autism. A stance that many in the Autism Community reject.

The Autism Community on the whole (there are always exceptions) views autism not as a disability but more of a different way of living. In this way they are very similar to the deaf community in the United States. They don’t view autism as something that has “stolen their children from them” the same way Autism Speaks does. They have many of their own stances which also means having their own charities that they support. Here are a few alternatives to Autism Speaks.

Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) - ASAN is the most well known Autism charity that is run by autistic people, for autistic people. They give out college scholarships to autistic people as well as their work advocating for autistic people’s rights.

Autistic Woman and Nonbinary Network (AWN) - Another autistic led charity, this one focusing on minority groups in the autism space including women, marginalized genders, LGBTQ+, and people of color. They host social gatherings, autistic pride events, networking opportunities, and educational events that help improve the lives of marginalized autistic people.

Communication First - Communication First is an organization that is advocating for those who have no voice, the 5 million Americans who, for one reason or another are non-verbal. This includes non-verbal autists. They are run by a group of individuals who have communication related disabilities. Their mission is to educate the public and advocate for those with speech-related communication disabilities.

Quick Update on my Eyes

For those of you who are wondering, I got my eyes looked at last week after suffering from headaches for weeks and I got news that amused me more than anything. I’ve been having headaches and light sensitivity ever since the first time I got Covid, about 3 years ago. They went away for a while and then at the start of this year they came back again. It finally got bad enough that I had my optometrist take a look and….my eyes are dry from using the computer too much.

Yep.

That’s all.

So, I’ve been given eye drops to use twice a day for a few weeks and then slowly wean myself off of as I feel appropriate. It was also heavily hinted that I should go outside and touch grass. But, I’m waiting for my new glasses before I do that. I got prescription sunglasses for the first time and that will also help with the pain from the brightness of the sun.

The lesson here is don’t spend so much time on the computer.

But, I’ll admit, that’s not a lesson I’m going to learn anytime soon…especially with Stardew Valley Update 1.6 coming out in just a couple of weeks.

How I learned I have ADHD - in my 30s

This week I want to share the story of how I discovered I have ADHD in my mid-30s. It’s a story that I’ve seen happen with a lot of friends over the last few years, I just happened to be a little bit ahead of the trend. (A common thing for me, but that’s a story for another time.) This story starts with my husband discovering he’s Autistic in his early 30s. Since his diagnosis I started making Autism something of a special interest of mine, though I had no idea I was even doing it at the time.

Fast forward a few years, just before the start of the pandemic, and I found myself bored with all my usual interests and also trying to avoid writing an article I needed to write. (The article only took 20 minutes to write in the end, classic ADHD.) I got recommended a youtube channel that was reuploading Tiktoks in compilations according to theme and found the series on Autism. I devoured the entire series. I spent days watching them and sending time stamps to my husband, gently teasing him about the things he did that were in the videos. But, there were also things that I found uncomfortably relatable. But, I was fairly certain I’m not Autistic (that opinion is now up for debate) because when my husband was going through his diagnosis journey I was there with him. I was taking the same tests as him and every single bit of evidence showed that I had some autistic traits, but that I was squarely in Camp Neurotypical. I never got that tested because…why spend several hundred euro just to be told you DON’T have something that you were somewhat confident you didn’t have?

It wasn’t until I ran out of the Autism compilations that I decided to start watching the ADHD compilations. I was bored/avoiding work still and I recognized some of the Tiktokers from the Autism compilations. By the end of the first compilation I watched I knew I was in trouble. 45 minutes of ADHD short form videos and I found nearly every single one of them relatable. The only things I don’t relate to are ADHD anger, that’s just not something I get (probably trauma related). I sent the first video to my husband without commentary and his reaction was the same as mine. We both agreed that ADHD fit me perfectly. So, I took some tests, I did some reading….and yeah, I watched every ADHD Tiktok compilation there was.

By the end of that week I had absolutely no doubt that I have ADHD. It was honestly not even something that was on my radar at all because, like so many others I’ve talked to, they thought ADHD was just the hyperactivity. From those Tiktokers I learned that there is a whole lot more to ADHD than being hyperactive. I learned that my doom piles and stress about being late are all part of ADHD (and trauma). I spoke with my doctor about it and the rest is history.

Recently, my husband and I have started to question if I might actually be autistic as well. I have a lot of issues around food; I don’t like my food to touch, sandwiches need to go in a specific order, and there are certain textures that I just cannot stand having in my mouth. (Food is the main area where the possible autism comes through, but is not the only one.) Right now it isn’t something I feel the need to explore further, entirely because of the cost. I have too many other things I could spend that €800/$860 on that would have more of an impact on my life. I’m happy enough now because I know myself well and I know how to cope with those things that bother me. That is a journey I’m still on though, so I’m not yet ready to say if I am autistic or not. But, I have no problem self-diagnosing if the evidence shows that I am AuDHD.

New Neurodivergent Adult Video

Neurodivergent Love Languages

This week I thought we could take a look at the 5 neurodivergent love languages as defined by @Neurowonderful on Twitter. But, to explain it properly we need to start at the beginning with the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman which was first written all the way back in 1992, but in the last few years saw a surge in popularity. In the book (which I read last year) Chapman goes through the five love languages as he saw them; Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. In each one he gives examples from real life of each one, with a heavy leaning towards his Christian values. Since the book came out there has been some debate about the love languages and some of the messages in the book. In case you’re curious, I’m Athiest and found it an interesting read. I would recommend it to newlyweds or anyone struggling with their relationship.

This brings us to the 5 neurodivergent love languages. I feel these might be more accurately described as the 5 Autistic love languages, but that’s just my own personal experience with my ADHD talking. The 5 neurodivergent love languages are; infodumping, parallel play, support swapping, Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body, and “I found this cool rock/button/leaf/etc and thought you would like it.”

Infodumping - Infodumping is something that nearly all Autistic people enjoy doing. They love to share the knowledge that they have about a subject simply because they’re passionate about it and want to share that passion with you. It is an act filled with joy and love. Unfortunately, for most, by the time they reach adulthood or the age of dating, they have been rejected, told they’re annoying or repetitive so many times that they stop infodumping entirely. Or if they do, they then apologize afterward, as though they did something wrong. But in fact, they were doing something wonderful, an amazing act of love. They wanted to share something they love with someone they love. So if you find yourself on the receiving end of an infodump, listen to them, ask them questions, and be involved. This is an act of love. Equally, if you are infodumping to someone you love and they are rolling their eyes, or telling you that you’ve already told them that story, or telling you that you’re boring…listen to those hurt feelings. They aren’t wrong.

Parallel Play - My husband and I love doing parallel play together. He will be knitting while I garden or maybe he’s playing a game and I’m reading a book. We’re both doing things together in the same space, but we aren’t doing the same things. That is parallel play. We can quite happily sit together for hours in complete silence working on our own projects and still feel like we’re spending quality time together. Being able to do that takes a lot of security in your relationship. It isn’t usually something that comes naturally right at the start of a relationship, it takes time to get that comfortable with someone. You have to find the comfort in the silence, which for many is extremely difficult. But, when you manage it, it is extremely rewarding.

Support Swapping - Support swapping is doing things for one another. This has actually come up recently, though I don’t know if anyone has realized it. Have you seen the Tiktok trend testing relationships by asking the other person to peel an orange? THIS is support swapping! Examples in my marriage include my husband making phone calls for me and me mixing the mashed potatoes because adding milk icks him out. Support swapping is simply doing things for one another to help make the other’s life easier. According to Tiktok peeling your significant other’s orange is a sign of true love…and I don’t think they’re wrong.

Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body - A lot of autistic people love hugs and weight being pressed against their bodies. It helps regulate their autonomic nervous system and helps them relax. But, a lot of the time they also don’t like to be touched except by people who they declare are theirs and thus safe. So, if your autistic human asks for their soul to be crushed back into their body…they’re not only saying that you’re safe, they’re asking for support. If my husband is having a stressful day at work we will spend a few minutes at lunch where I am leaning on him or laying on him, or generally just applying as much pressure to his body as I can…and he feels so much better after.

I found this cool rock/button/leaf/etc - This is my favorite version of “I saw this and thought of you.” Just this weekend my husband went out to do some grocery shopping and he brought home a wonderfully oval rock that he found. He knows that I love random rocks so he brought it home for me…and I love it! Sure, it’s an interesting rock, but what I love more about it is that he saw it and thought of me. Bringing home a cool thing not only shows that you were on their mind, it also shows that they have been paying attention and they know what you like…or at least they’re trying. Admittedly, they may not always get it right.

I really love the neurodivergent love languages, and I honestly think that neurotypicals could get a lot from them as well. If I had to pick one that I feel I connect with most, like you are meant to do with the original 5 love languages, then I would pick parallel play, which also goes along with the original one that I feel I identify with most, quality time.

Autists Held Back by Job Interviews The Easy to Read Version of This Report is Amazing

A new report out of the UK has told us what those of us in the neurodiversity community already knew, autists are finding it difficult to find work in part because of job interviews. While I had planned on making this report the news story of the week that I covered in the newsletter I actually found something else much more interesting, an easy to read version of the Autism report.

The easy to read version of the report breaks down the each section of the report into one or two very easy to read sentences and explains some concepts that readers may not understand. I don’t live in the UK so I don’t know if this is something that the government does with all of their reports or if this one was special, but either way it is something that all governments need to adopt!

We also need to get scientists on board with this! I have ADHD and I find reading things with a lot of technical terms or very dry language nearly impossible. But this easy to read version was amazing! Is it missing some of the fine details? Yes. But, the most important parts of the report are outlined in the easy to read version so you can at least have a basic understanding of what it says without having to get bogged down by technical terms or a lot of numbers.

You can find the full version of the report along with the simple version by following this link: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-buckland-review-of-autism-employment-report-and-recommendations

That’s all for this week! Thanks for reading it all, I hope you enjoyed it. If you did then please share it with someone you think would enjoy it!

Have a great week and don’t forget to drink some water!